The draft roast. Now with witnesses.

Welcome to The Lab. Twelve teams. One hundred fifty-six purchases. No refunds. No mercy.

All rise. James paid one hundred eighty-five dollars for Luka, Shai and Bam. Ten players share fifteen dollars. Your stars got contracts. Everybody else was hired for the exposure.

Michelle spent one hundred ninety-one on four players. The other nine cost a dollar each. Game of Throws has four VIPs and nine people holding their coats.

Kayla put one hundred eighty into Brunson, Giannis and Sabonis. Experiment six twenty-six has four alien arms. Good. Somebody has to carry that bench.

Commissioner John bought Davis, Durant and Kawhi for seventy-three combined, the price of James's Luka. Then The Professors left eighteen dollars unused. The school does not issue refunds.

Janise left twenty-nine behind. Biggest unused balance in the room. You negotiated against yourself and lost.

Brooklyn paid one hundred forty-one for Jokic and Flagg. Eleven players split fifty-nine. Royal treasury. Peasant payroll.

Guilty. Community service: explain your bench without using the word upside.

Harlan Hott here. Monika's Neeks in Five paid at least seven dollars for every player. A whole roster. What a vulgar display of planning.

Dwayne paid thirty-nine for Austin Reaves. Embiid, Clingan and Rollins cost eleven each. Reaves cost more than the whole trio. Boss Tags? The tags were certainly bossing somebody around.

Port Hoops put one hundred eighty into six players and got Vucevic for two. The last veteran slept beside the checkout gum.

Antonis paid one hundred thirty-one for Maxey, Amen and Haliburton. Paul George, Porzingis and Poeltl cost six combined. Deluxe entree. Free bread basket.

Nicholas spent one hundred fifteen on Trae, Sengun and Booker. Apparently hitting the bid button three times counts as diversification.

Kevin bought Wembanyama for seventy-five and Myles Turner for one. Tune Squad left ten unused. Please spend the merch budget before leaving the venue.

Keep the receipt. I intend to be unbearable.

The Wire. Janise left twenty-nine dollars at the draft, then bought Cameron Johnson for one from the separate waiver wallet. Supermarket gift card untouched. Dinner from the gas station.

James drafted seven dollar players. Michelle drafted nine. Kayla drafted eight. The waiver wire will recognize you on sight.

Claims process at six a.m. Eastern. A Sunday panic does not come with express shipping. Set the lineup. The dollar-store staff can't do everything.

The Broker ran the first keeper bills. Assume the same two-hundred-dollar budget and thirteen roster spots next year.

James's three stars become two hundred three. Ten minimum slots make two hundred thirteen. The group photo needs a crop tool.

Michelle's Cade, Mitchell and LaMelo, plus ten dollar slots: two hundred two. A dynasty defeated by couch-cushion money. Garland watches the eviction from the hallway.

Kayla's big three plus ten slots: two hundred eight. Four alien arms will not help. Bring scissors.

Trades carry salary history. Changing the owner does not wipe the ledger. Send the paperwork. Your dynasty speech has been declined.

The Column. October eleventh's aggregate roster estimates put Port Hoops first, Neeks second and Boss Tags third. Enough players to fill a roster. How embarrassing for the poster department.

Experiment six twenty-six is tenth. James eleventh. Game of Throws twelfth. The brightest marquees landed in the basement. Apparently the estimate also wanted someone to work the concession stand.

These are roster estimates, not wins. The games get the final verdict. Until then, defend your budget.

The logos look expensive. Fortunately, we didn't let you bid on those.